How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
