but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
