I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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