peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
