New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
