I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
