I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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