someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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