i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
