Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
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i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
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I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌