The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
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My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
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just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.