i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes