Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON