Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".