Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize