It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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