did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
party gras won. party gras always wins.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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