Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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