The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Reggie can tackle my bush.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
