apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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