Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
