**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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