when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
