I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
