i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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