If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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