All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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