I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
