ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You have to summon your inner elephant
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
