I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
