M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Randomize
