just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
