someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
