Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
