oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
