Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
