so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
