she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
