Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize