saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
