I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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