The maid of honor just puked.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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