i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
