he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.