You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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