I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
