you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
