I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
we're so committed to being not committed
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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