Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
