watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
