it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
