This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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