mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
