Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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