Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
