Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
