How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
