Tell her she can't have a vagina
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
