my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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