you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
