Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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