I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
