About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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