how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
