someone get that fucking seahorse.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
